Shyness, Introversion and Social Anxiety

I've suffered from shyness most of my life. Make that all my life. I still occasionally fight my old habits. My former way of thinking. I'm also strongly introverted, which is not the same thing.

Shyness is social anxiety. That is being fearful and / or anxious in most social situations.

A social situation could include asking a stranger for directions or the time, calling a friend or relative on the phone, asking for a refund from the store. It doesn't have to involve a party or large social gathering. although that's what comes to mind first.

Introversion is often mistaken for shyness because introverts tend to avoid large gatherings and when they attend, they don't say much, but sit back, listen and watch everyone else. That is not to say an introvert can't be 'the life of the party', but it is very draining for them.

I often refuse invitations to go to lunch with others at work because it wears me out. I find deep, one on one conversations to be invigorating, they appeal to my investigative analyst side, without the distractions of many voices.

Few people will keep a deep conversation going for long, they prefer, what I would call, superficial conversations with many people. They are extroverts.

Extroverts can be shy too. because shyness is social anxiety. Extroverts can feel nervous and anxious at a party or in a classroom.

Shyness can even be confined to specific environments or occasions. Most people are shy when it comes to public speaking, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert.

I remember way back in first grade, being totally embarrassed when having to read out loud in class. I'm sure I wasn't the worst reader, but I felt like I was. I read slow and stumbled a lot.

Now I believe some of my difficulty was my introversion. You see, Introverts have a longer verbal neural pathway than extroverts and often speak slowly. Some extroverts get impatient with us while we take time to complete our thoughts in our head before speaking. This impatience often makes an introvert feel that there is something wrong with them, which then causes or worsens shyness.

By the time I got to junior high (middle school) I couldn't hardly answer a question from my desk, and standing in front of the class was a disaster. I remember having to give an an oral report that the teacher was recording. I got up to the microphone, said my name and the title of my report and went completely blank. The teacher asked some questions to get me going but I only answered yes or no. A couple of days later, we got to listen to our speeches on headphones in groups of 4.

I was very embarrassed when I attempted to give the speech, but I was absolutely mortified listening to the replay. I felt like a complete idiot and was sure everyone else thought I was. I thought I was stupid and incompetent. I was a failure. It got so I couldn't even call for a pizza without breaking into a sweat.

This lack of confidence and self esteem affected every aspect of my life.

That brings me to what shyness really is:

Shyness is a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem.

I was a solid B student, so I should have had decent self confidence. But I didn't. I did well with independent study, but anything requiring communicating with others was a problem.

When I started working after getting my degree in Computers, I finally started feeling good about myself. No, I started feeling better about myself. Actually feeling good came later. I knew something others found valuable!

I would help anyone who asked for help. I worked in the computer department with a head count of about 50, so there weren't too many people needing computer help.

Getting bored with sitting at my desk writing pieces of programs that I had only a vague idea how they fit in the big picture, I volunteered to help with the roll out of PC's throughout the company. ( this was during the transition from mainframe computer with 'dummy' terminals to PC's with Netowrks.) I learned a lot about PC's and that I was smart and I had a knack for troubleshooting.

I had a significant break through when, at work, I had to teach people how to use a PC. Something I knew very well and my 'students' know almost nothing. After many one-on-one lessons and a few class sessions, I finally realized I'm not to dumb after all. All the A's I got in school didn't mean anything compared to being considered smart by my co-workers.

My confidence grew, but would easily get battered when I encountered someone smarter than me or when I couldn't resolve an issue.

I was in my 40's when I finally accepted that I'm actually pretty smart and that there would always be someone smarter and that their abilities don't limit my abilities or their intelligence doesn't diminish my intelligence.

I had to go to therapy to realize that my problems were all because of what I've been telling myself, about myself, for my whole life. But that's another story.

Read my article about Overcoming Shyness.