Self Confidence and Self Esteem

Self Esteem has two basic components: Self Confidence and Self Respect. Self Confidence is having belief in your ability to function and cope with the challenges of life. Believing that you are good at one thing or another is different from feeling overall competent to deal with the curves that life throws at you. The world is full of people who are great at a specific thing, like playing a sport, painting a picture or playing an instrument but have deep anxiety at doing some basic life skills, like balancing their check book, doing their laundry, disciplining a child.

A self confident person:

• Can take care of themselves: is autonomous.
• Keeps trying when things go wrong: is persist ant.
• Enjoys new experiences: takes calculated risks.
• Appreciates accomplishments.
• Takes Responsibility.
• Is realistic.

The 2 keys to building Self Confidence are successful experiences and how you explain your experiences to yourself.

If you are self confident, you are willing to try new things. You will take risks. Some will pay off, some won't. Like approaching a boss with a new idea, trying a new restaurant, or inviting new friends over. If you don't present that new idea to your boss, things won't improve the way you think they should. But if you do present that new idea and they like it, your value to the company will increase. Things are changing all the time. It's best if you can change them in your favor.

Success and Self Confidence

On the other hand, it's great to explain your failures in this way, i.e.. to bad luck, being in the wrong place and the wrong time.

How you explain what happens to you is called 'Explanatory style' as developed by Dr. Martin Seligman, a renowned research psychologist. Dr. Seligman believes this is the key to happiness. Your explanatory style indicates whether you are a generally happy person or a generally depressed person. If you can adjust your explanatory style you can increase your happiness and success.

Your Inner Voices

Most people have at least 2 inner voices, the critic and the fan.

The Critic points out all your weaknesses and failings. It delights in finding all your faults and keeping them in the forefront. It seeks to protect your ego by saying bad things before others say them.

The Fan believes in you and provides encouragement. Keeps your spirit up. Protects your ego by providing excuses for failures and celebrates your triumphs. It raises your self confidence and self esteem.

Here are some samples:

• The Critic: "You should have known it would go badly. You're slow. Always late with everything. You're useless. You can't do anything right."

• The Fan: "That was great! It's not your fault it wasn't perfect. If he's not happy with it that's his problem. He should have told you exactly what he wanted. You did your part."

• The Critic: "You blew it again. You can't ever talk without putting your foot in your mouth. You should stop trying to have conversations. Then you wouldn't be embarrassed."

• The Fan: "Boy, she's sensitive! You didn't say anything wrong. She's just over emotional. You don't want to get involved with someone like that. She's not good enough for you."

If either inner voice is too strong, your self confidence and self esteem suffer. Why the Critic hurts your self confidence is obvious. If you feel you will fail you will eventually stop trying. What's the use of trying if you are just going to fail anyway.

Too much of The Fan can be harmful to your self confidence because if you never acknowledge your mistakes you can't correct them. If you don't correct your mistakes, how can you ever accomplish something new? You can rarely do things right the first time, so mistakes are inevitable. With too much of the fan covering for you, others may avoid you because you don't pull your own weight. They may get tired of your excuses.

With too much self confidence you may become arrogant. You can also develop a superiority complex. You feel better you're than every one else. They are not worth your time or effort. This can be a very lonely desistance.

You need to control these 2 voices, if not get rid of them altogether.

The replacement for The Critic and The Fan is The Realist. The Realist acknowledges your successes, failures and efforts. This acknowledgement is what makes you feel good while improving your effort and likely hood of success next time.

• The Realist: That wasn't too bad. It wasn't perfect, but you tried hard and came close to the goal. That curve he threw you at the last minute is what caused the project to be late. Next time you should keep asking questions until it is completely clear what he's looking for.

• The Realist: OK, I shouldn't have asked that question in that way in our first conversation. It's probably an appropriate question after we've gotten to know each other better. I need to come up with questions appropriate to a first meeting. I'll do better next time.

Your Realist voice also helps to promote and develop self esteem and a positive outlook on life. It takes responsibility and gives praise without exaggeration. It allows you to keep trying so you may overcome adversity.

See if you can't develop your Realist voice and gain self confidence and self esteem.

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