Self Esteem Problems

Self Esteem Problems, Everyone thinks they know what the problem is, but most people are wrong. They don't understand the many hazards of pushing and promoting 'feeling good about ones self' without proper respect for accomplishments and responsibility. This mis-directed focus on being 'special' and able to 'do whatever you put your mind to' can create all kinds of problems. Some children develop a harmful self absorption, feelings of being superior ( or inferior), a paranoia about being humiliated, pressures to be exceptional.

Having a favorable impression of oneself is very important. People know this and assume that low self esteem is the problem. It is a problem, but it's not the only problem. And some of the 'cures' cause even more low self esteem. I'll talk about the attitudes and actions that bring these harmful feelings about.

Self Esteem Problems - being Special

In childhood they are supposed to learn how to think for themselves, make decisions, accept responsibility, and interact with other people and their environment for successful outcomes. This learning process NEEDS to include making mistakes, recognizing the mistakes and correcting for them. Telling them they are special with no connection to any action or activity is separating them from reality. This can be very confusing. Talk about mixed messages!

Mixed messages like this can push them into unhealthy high self esteem or too low self esteem. Yes, the same action can have opposite consequences.

If they are 'special' without a connection to a positive action they may develop a belief that they don't have to follow the same rules as every one else. "I don't have to work hard." "I shouldn't have to wait for what I want." "Life should be easy for me." This is an exaggerated sense of importance, harmful self absorption, and feelings of being superior. All this results in conflicts with others in society. It could be their boss, a co-worker, a friend. It could even interfere with developing a successful intimate relationship.

Conversely, they can come up with the idea that since they are 'special', they NEED to do extraordinary things. That they are not successful unless they truly are special. Truly are above the rest. Maybe even perfect. since they inevitably cannot be perfect, they see themselves as failures because they can't reach their own distorted view of their abilities and of success.

With being told they are special, they can develop unrealistic expectations of themselves and life. They can feel that unless they are extraordinary, they are not fulfilling their potential and are a failure. Being average is unacceptable. With this pressure to be exceptional and being unable to achieve it, they develop feelings of inferiority or a paranoia about being humiliated.

I KNOW that planting positive messages and beliefs are very important to success. You see this on almost every page on my site. But unless that belief is based upon action and experience it is a hollow shell that will collapse like a paper bag. When we tell someone they are special we nee to make certain to connect it to some positive Action on their part.

I'm not saying to completely stop telling kids that they are special. I am saying to connect that specialness with some positive action of their part. "That was really nice of you to give her your cookie. You are special." "I am very proud of how hard you played today to win the game. You're great!" Absolutely do NOT tell them they played great when they played lousy. If they played lousy, tell them they played lousy, that you are disappointed in their performance, but know they will do better next time. Always end on a upbeat.

Read more about this on my page on Self Confidence.

Self Esteem Problems - Parental Protection

We are more willing to criticize the teacher for giving too hard a test than the child for not studying hard enough. We will accept, sometimes even provide excuses for, poor performance or behavior. When we do this we are not helping them develop good self esteem. In fact it is harmful. One of the basis of good self esteem is self-confidence. Self confidence comes from doing things successfully and realizing that we can overcome difficulties that come our way. We need to provide such opportunities for our children.

Life is constantly full of big and little disappointments, from stubbing a toe to having a loved one die. From having a fight with a friend, to not being able to buy that new video game, to failing to win a spot on a sport team. If they don't learn how to respond appropriately and overcome these difficulties in childhood, how can they (or us) possibly expect to be able to handle it when they don't get the job they want. When they can't respond appropriately to difficulties, their self esteem suffers.

Another way parents over protect their children is to make decisions for them. If the child is not allowed to make decisions, especially poor ones, they may never learn how to accept responsibility and make changes. If they never make and change decisions they may never be able to become independent. That is a real tragedy.

Balance your prise and criticism and keep them connected to reality. This is easier said than done. We don't like to see our children upset, but we must resist running interference and making things too easy. Good, healthy self esteem depends on accurate feedback.

One of the best ways to help our children is to guide them to recover from a disappointment. To help them overcome an obstacle without doing it for them. It is never helpful to do a childs work for them and that includes solving their social or academic problems. It is a fine balancing act we must do and it's always changing because the child's needs and abilities change as they grow.

Self Esteem Building in children is done by giving them tasks that are a stretch for them but that they can accomplish and feel good about. It is done by guiding them to find their own solution to problems and obstacles. The more they do successfully the more they feel capable of doing. They are less likely to be afraid of trying something new.

Check out my other articles on self esteem and the power of belief. I plan on writing pages on overcoming low self esteem and self esteem worksheets soon. Check back or subscribe to my RSS feed.

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