Overcome Shyness and Build Self Confidence

You can overcome shyness just as I did. Shyness is really excessive anxiety over social situations due to a lack of self confidence. That is being overly afraid of making a mistake in front of others.

I was very shy for most of my life. Read my article on Shyness for my personal difficulties with it. I still have occasional problems and need to go through some exercises to get past it.

Some of my difficulty is my introversion and it's characteristics. It can be very hard to differentiate social anxiety from Introversion. Fear is the key. An introvert may hesitate to approach someone because they dislike interruptions themselves but that is different from being afraid of a negative reaction to the interruption. You need to know the difference between being shy and being introverted in order to overcome shyness.

Increasing self confidence reduces shyness. All feelings come from our personal perception and being shy is no exception. It is our perception of how we appear to others, and our thoughts about that perception, that causes the manifestation of being shy. So I guess you could say the cause of shyness is our own thoughts. So to overcome shyness you must overcome your negative thoughts. Negative thoughts cause fear and anxiety which must be overcome. Shyness then can be conquered.

When I approach someone a whole slew of thoughts race through my head.

"What will I say?" "What will they say?" "What will be their reaction?"

If my thoughts stopped at that, I wouldn't have a problem. But my thoughts would continue with things like:

• I'm going to stumble over my words and they'll think I'm stupid.
• I know they'll think this is a stupid question.
• They will come back with points I can't counter and I'll look stupid.
• I won't be able to intelligently defend my position and they'll think I'm stupid.
• They will be made at me for interrupting them.

You see a theme here? I constantly called myself stupid. On some level I knew I wasn't stupid but I felt everyone would think that and their opinions meant a lot. I wasn't going to overcome shyness thinking like that!

No amount of telling myself it wasn't so, changed my thoughts or feelings. I could repeat positive statements or affirmations for weeks and not notice any change in my feelings. Every time I recited an affirmation my thoughts would beat it up. "You know that's not true." "Just saying it doesn't make it so." "Where's the evidence that things are getting better?"

There is one affirmation that did help me overcome shyness: "I am more then my mistakes".

It took a therapist challenging my thoughts. She asked me if I was stupid. Of course I'm not stupid. She asked if making a mistake would make others think I'm stupid. Well, sometimes. How often do you think someone is stupid because they made a mistake? What are the chances of someone thinking you're stupid because you made a mistake?

Then she started asking about some of the things I do well. Something I'm proud of. And pointed out that other mistakes don't cancel the positive things I do.

I had to change my thoughts AND beliefs to overcome shyness.

4 Parts to Overcome Shyness

• Change your thoughts about yourself.
• Change your thoughts about what others think.
• Change your beliefs about yourself.
• Change your beliefs about what others believe.

Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) is the cure. It was developed by Albert Ellis and built on by Aaron Beck.

In a nutshell, it involves monitoring your feelings and your thoughts that produce those feelings. Then actively disputing those negative thoughts. You can use this process to overcome shyness or any other troubling anxiety.

It sounds so easy. It's not. It is simple, but difficult.

To overcome shyness, start with ABC's. Activating event, Belief about the event, Consequences of that belief. Then go on to Disputing those beliefs and Effecting change.

• A - Activating Event (approaching someone with the intent to speak with them)
• B - Belief (I'm going to do something that will make me seem stupid)
• C - Consequences (I feel very nervous and stumble over my words)
• D - Disputing those painful beliefs (Just because I've occasionally made mistakes in speaking with someone in the past doesn't mean that I will have the same problem here. I have been able to have long intelligent conversations with others sometimes. I am, in fact, NOT stupid. I think I can add something to the conversation. Extroverts love being interrupted, it shows you're giving them attention....)
• E - Effecting change (Your revised thoughts can give you the courage to speak up and add your comments into the conversation.)

The whole key to this is catching those thoughts that are flying through your head faster than the speed of light and disputing them and replacing them with thoughts you can believe in. On some level I always knew I was talking myself into nervousness, but hadn't a clue what to do about it until I went to therapy and had someone explain it and help me come up with counter arguments.

Read Change Your Thoughts for more information on emotions coming from thoughts.

Here's some counter arguments to help you overcome shyness.

• You are more than your mistakes.
• You are human and will make blunders like everyone else on this planet.
• People empathize with mistakes more than they criticize. In fact most people don't even notice some of the mistakes shy people agonize over.

Build your self confidence. Ask a stranger for the time. Then bask in accomplishment. The stronger the emotion associated with something, the stronger the memory and the stronger the emotional response to that memory.

It might take a week or more to get up the nerve to try. No one thinks twice about someone asking for the time. They just respond and go on their way.

When you take that step to talk to someone, really congratulate yourself on taking that step. Remind yourself how smooth it went. Re-live the positive experience like you do all those negative happenings that you beat yourself up for. Put the good feeling solidly in your memory.

Do it as many times as it takes to get to where you hardly have to think about it at all. Then go on to a harder step. Strike up a short conversation. You might comment on the weather or how busy the store is, or isn't. If you exchange 2 sentences, you've made a lot of progress. Pat yourself on the back. Enjoy the accomplishment.

When you're ready, try the next level. Striking up a conversation at a social gathering. Study some appropriate topics for the gathering and develop leading questions. Don't be concerned about maintaining the conversation. Others will do that just fine. If you can throw in an appropriate question now and then, you've done your part.

You could find out about the current popular movies or books and read reviews on them. Or study topics of interest to the meeting you are attending whether that's about school, church, community, politics or shopping.

Make notes about what you remember the various people are doing or interested in. Does Johnny play football? Is Jane involved with her church? Are the kids in grade school? high school? college? What classes do they like?

Take your focus off of reactions, yours or theirs, and put it on gathering information and understanding.

Revisit your ABC's from above. Read Finding Your Blocking Belief for examples. Choose a common hurdle for you. Think about what runs through your mind and work on changing those thoughts. You didn't become shy over night and it won't go away that quickly. But keep working at it and you will eventually overcome shyness.

Comments:

Wow, what a helpful guide!

Comment by Allison from Overcome Shyness
You hit the nail on the head with listing the ways you need to change your inner thoughts and beliefs to truly overcome shyness. I've been working with a therapist for years, and we use CBT, too. "You are more than your mistakes" is a good start for re-framing your inner dialogue. Another saying that helps me is, "I can't compare to anyone, and no one can compare to me." This helps me remember that I don't need to measure up to anyone's standards, and that my failures don't make me any less of a person.

Thanks for sharing your experience and strategies!

Allison,
Thank You. Yes, our Inner Dialogue is what determines what we are able to do in our lifes, much more than circumstances.