Help for Introvert

Introversion is a built-in personality trait that you need to understand. Introverts can improve their lives by making some adjustments. Mostly by accepting their introversion and not trying to be an extrovert. To cope with your introversion you need to understand it and understand Extroversion too. You cannot truly change from introvert to extrovert. But you can adapt.

Help for introverts

Most extroverts will talk to anyone and everyone about anything and they expect others to do the same. Doesn't everyone expect others to be just like them? They're not like you and you're not like them. Let them talk, but don't try to emulate them.

Help For Introverts - a Survival guide

Speak out more

If you're praising an extrovert you need to lay it on a bit thick, from your viewpoint, so that there is enough interaction and feeling to boost their emotions. They need as much interaction as they can get. If we get gushed over, it seems to diminish the accomplishment because it feels false. It feels false because it's not the way we would react. You must consider the source and the target. My extroverted daughter and I learned this the hard way.

As a teenager, she slid into a depression for many more reasons than I'll go into. We both went to therapy separately. I learned that she needed more emotional connection and validation than I normally give. She learned to accept that my response will always be subdued from her point of view and that it does not diminish her accomplishment.

I try to respond stronger than my inclination. Sometimes she teases me about my mild response and gets the extra praise she was looking for.

The best book I've ever read with help for introverts is "The Introvert Advantage" by Marti Olsen Laney . She calls us 'Innies'. Among the many aspects that she mentions the one that really clicked for me was how the brain is wired. She sites some studies that shows there is a difference between how an introvert's and an extrovert's brain is wired.

We are less verbal not only because of internal thinking, but because the neural pathways from thought center to verbal center are much, much longer. I remember in grade school, we would have these flash card races. Sitting at my desk, I knew the answers in my head before the current contestants shouted the answer. When it was my turn, I still knew the answer, but very rarely got it out fast enough. It made me feel and look stupid. Understanding it was introversion and not stupidity was great help for this introvert.

Develop non-verbal methods of gaining attention

I had a co-worker who was very extroverted, talked fast and hardly paused for an answer to a question. By the time I'd start to respond she was rephrasing the question because she thought I didn't understand. I would then have to process the new phrasing, add it to the previous question and confirm, in my head, that my intended response would satisfy both questions. The longer I took to answer, the more questions she would ask. The more questions she asked, the longer it would take to for me to answer. This was putting us in circles until I learned to put up my hand to stop her from talking so I could respond. I could not talk over her.

A piece of advice to leaders, teachers and supervisors: Make it a point to pause and ask your introvert for their thoughts, and give them a chance to gather their thoughts and verbalize them before moving on. Extroverts may become bored or annoyed with this waiting, but we introverts have already been bored listening to them repeat themselves as they say their thoughts out loud.

Don't feel bad about your introversion

Celebrate your Introvert

Learning not to feel guilty for your natural tendencies is great help for introverts. Feeling guilty for something that is just a part of you is a sure path to depression.

The first step in taking care of yourself as an introvert is to not feel guilty about not wanting to be with people. I read a statistic somewhere that something like 75% of Americans are Extroverts, but 60% of 'gifted' Americans are Introverts. You are in good company and there is NOTHING wrong with you. In fact, with the world needing more and more knowledge workers, something that we excel at, we may be coming into 'the age of the introvert'!

Just because you are quiet and prefer to sit and think, doesn't mean you're depressed. To some extroverts, it appears that way because they would only behave like that if they were depressed!

Miss some social events

You don't have to attend every meeting, conference or family gathering you are invited to. Even extroverts can't do everything or be everywhere. Pick and choose which events you actually enjoy and attend them. You'll feel better and enjoy them more if you're well rested and not feeling pressured.

Extroverts can help their introverts by understanding their introverts need to be alone and not being too insistent on getting out.

Take time to re-charge

Find ways to be alone. Take walks by yourself. Create a room, closet, or isolated area where stimulation is reduced. Sit quietly by yourself and just let your thoughts wander for a while. Give yourself a chance to re-charge your batteries and integrate what has happened to you today, this week, this month...

Even in social situations, escape outside or even to the restroom for 5-10 minutes to get a break and recover from over stimulation. Extroverts, once again help for introverts is to alone them a lot of 'down time'.

Develop Social Skills

Introverts tend to have underdeveloped social skills because we generally would rather be alone and felt overwhelmed in groups as a child. When overwhelmed, we withdraw.

But we make great listeners because of our ability to focus and concentrate. Use this to develop your social skills. If you are in a crowd, find and focus on a few people or things, one at a time and block out everything else.

Try to follow the example of someone whose social skills you admire. Don't choose someone who is very gregarious, but someone more quietly gracious. That quietness will be more natural and easy for you.

Play the role of a gracious host can be helpful for introverts. People often can't tell you're an introvert when you are playing a role.

Prepare yourself for a social activity by reviewing current events, movies or best selling books. Or maybe find out something about the people who will be there. You could even practice asking questions to get others to talk.

Cultivate your creativity

“When I examine myself and my methods of thought, I come to the conclusion that the gift of fantasy has meant more to me than any talent for abstract, positive thinking.?- Albert Einstein

Given down time to think, we often discover unusual links between things. We get to know ourselves well. We look at things a little differently. Not taking things at 'face value'. Looking deeper in to the why's and hows.

We can concentrate longer, with less stimulation. Solving complex problems that others give up on.

Innies report more vivid mental imagery than extroverts after listening to stories. I know I prefer to read a book over seeing the movie. I like my imagination better.

Exerting individuality is a great help for introverts.

Appreciate your emotional stability

Since thinking inside of your own head is one of the main traits of an introvert, some introverts do have difficulties with their emotions. I was one of them. I didn't feel I had many high points in my life and I would replay my low points in my head over and over again. Then I learned about Cognitive Behavior Therapy. This has been shown to be the most effective in combating depression and a negative explanatory style is one of the biggest contributors toward depression.

But many Introverts are very emotionally stable because they know themselves so well. So introverts are not necessarily depressed. Introverts are thought to be depressed because we don't generally show exuberance and excitement at the drop of a hat like an extrovert. But we also don't display hurt or anger as quickly or strongly. We absorb the event, think about it and develop a milder emotion.

Our emotional pendulum swings in a smaller arc, rarely having either extreme highs or lows.

We are less likely to panic in an emergency situation, but also don't react as quickly because we evaluate first. Which saves having to correct for mistakes. This is just one of many ways introverts are helpful.

You can improve your emotional stability with understanding Explanatory Style, the Power of Belief and then Changing Your Thoughts to become more optimistic.

Everyone can slide one way or another on the continuum depending on the situation. An extrovert is capable of being alone, just as an introvert is capable of being the life of the party. But we all need help sometimes.

Do you have any Tips to share with other Introverts?

Do you have any techniques that help you in situations that are difficult for introverts?

How do you nourish your introversion?

How do you survive a business conference?
How do you turn down an invitation to a party?

Tips from other Visitors

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Comments:

I need help with my Introvert boy friend

Comment by Linda from OK, USA
can someone please help me. My boyfriend is a introvert, he tries to talk to me about why there are times he needs to be alone. That it is nothing against me. I am a extrovert he says I ask so many questions. I don't think I do, I'm just trying to make conversation. From what I am reading the introvert can't take a lot of stimulation. We had a HUGE talk yesterday about him needing to be alone and him not wanting me to come to his house at least for the next two days. We did spend some time together this morning and he called earlier in the evening.

He also expresses a need to go to bed earlier than I do. I on the other hand tend to be a night owl and want to talk when he is ready to shut down for the night. To make this relationship work I am trying to listen to his feelings. He says that he is giving me 99% of himself to me will I just give him the 1% percent he is asking and that is to let him get more rest so he can do his job better. I want to be with him every evening he wants to not see each other every evening we can talk on the phone but he would like to be in bed earlier. For now I have to listen to his needs, he feels he is trying to meet me half way and meet my needs. Help me understand this Man, he is good to me and loves me and wants to be with me but I am turning him against me if I don't listen to his needs and if I want this man in my life as a husband and me as his wife he wants me to please try and understand he is begging me to understand to the point that he looses his temper at times. Can someone please give me some insight, and help me. I love him and don't want to loose him and he doesn't want to loose me, but if I don't understand his needs and keep wanting things the way I want our relationship can't grow. Please someone give me some advice.

Linda,
It sounds like you know pretty much what you have to do. You have to give him some time to be by himself. You will need to work out the compromise between his need for quiet space and your need for stimulation. You need to have other outlets and friends to help you recharge when he is busy recharging alone.
I also suggest you practice being in the same room with him and not talking. He doesn't need to have conversation to feel connected. In fact, 'making conversation' can be very annoying to an introvert.

Everyone needs a different amount of sleep. I need eight hours a night. My sister has always needed only 4-6 hours a night. We are both very introverted. If he seems to need more and more sleep, he may be depressed and need some outside help.

Opposites may attract, but they can be hard to maintain.

For more help on relationships from introverts I suggest you visit the Introvert Zone

Best Wishes,
Natalie